Challenges - If Only We Could Avoid Conflicts

It has been a crazy couple of days. It started on last Saturday when I went to buy a vacuum cleaner with a big smile on my face and had arrogant and poorly trained sales people to deal with. I felt mixed feelings while buying it but I wanted it badly so I felt after all I will come home and enjoy the new cordless vacuum which I planned for every day use. After some time I relaxed but the story in the shop had shaken me a bit.
That day and then later on I felt insecure in myself. I felt my husband's directions and remarks (about the vacuum or anything at all) were quite discouraging, I felt stupid and small because I did not reply to these shop people what they deserved. Instead I kept quiet because I am super afraid of conflicts and I was not feeling ok to exit my comfort zone. Since then it has been disturbing and I am finding it hard to deal with it. My main problem is: how will I be able to keep myself happy when I have so many battles of behaviors inside me? How to avoid feeling so small when I did not even try to be big and say what I felt I should say?
Anyway… I guess too much thinking and analyzing can only frustrate me more. I should just try and start stepping out of my comfort zone because it is not always possible to avoid conflicts. Besides, I think you can always express disagreement politely without huge scandals.
I remember being with my parents in similar situations when they were not treated appropriately and when they reacted back I was trembling and wanting to hide. I felt so uncomfortable seeing them in that situation, it would keep me disturbed for days. I guess it was the injustice, combined with realities of life. Lesson learned: I should really try to step up and protect myself and my rights - not only as a customer but as a human being. But I should also not get too frustrated if I fail to do so, because that frustration has adverse effect on me, my family and loved ones. Usually it is much more damaging than the initial story that caused it.

But I do enjoy my new vacuum because every morning I do a quick 10 min clean up and then Robin can crawl all around without bringing tons of dust with him.

Keep calm and find my happy balance again - that is what I should do!

Baggage

Some time ago I watched a dating show on British TV, named "Baggage". The contestants were carrying suitcases with them, filled with weird, embarrassing or funny facts about their character, like: "I go to bed at 8pm every day"or "I have eaten dog food", etc. It was quite amusing to me for a while.

Now thinking about the word "Baggage", I remember my dad saying: "When you marry a person, you marry his whole family!" It is quite true, because every person carries a lot of baggage collected through the years. Some travel light, like my husband Raju, some pack way too many things even for small trips, like me!

Me and my family are very happy with the family I married. I remember clearly my dad saying to Raju: "Thank you for accepting Krisa and us along with her. I know we come with lots of baggage." This statement felt big. Raju, in his usual style, said "Sure, no problem!" However, knowing myself, I realize that this is not easy for him. I carry a s*** loads of baggage and I rarely travel light. If I pass customs the way my baggage would be described on the declaration would sound like: "Attention: Contains strong emotions, concepts, fears, contradicting beliefs and aspirations, ups and downs, good will, breakable parts, destructive explosives, harmful memories, difficulties to let go, repetitive mistakes, mood spoilers…" The list goes on and on. Of course, there are also some good ones which got me where I am. However, it is time I scrutinize my baggage and take only what I REALLY need for the upcoming trips! Usually just a smile is enough. I should make sure I leave some space for new things to pick up on the way… new wonderful memories!"
This is precisely my next target and I have started working on it.

Which Choices Make Us Happy?

As I was watching this presentation about the abundance of daily choices in today's society, I was amazed how much every point relates to me and the way I feel about my choices. Partly it felt good that I am not the only one who feels so confused about taking the right choice. I guess it makes sense that I do like it more when I sit in a restaurant and I see 5 dishes on the menu instead of 25. I am indeed better off when given less choice.

Do you also feel that this presentation applies to your experience?

However, there was one more point which complicates my choices: karma.
Here is the Google definition: "(in Hinduism and Buddhism) the sum of a person's actions in this and previous states of existence, viewed as deciding their fate in future existences."

I feel that every choice for me is like a position at a cross road. Should I take a particular job? Should I have a baby? Should I take this flight or the one on the next day? I sometimes feel I am moving on a map of my own life and each choice is leading to very different possibilities later on, which I do not know about. I always feel one of them should be more right than the other and it is bugging me so much that I often delay immensely the act of choosing. This makes me unsatisfied and irritated with myself.
So if we make a choice, is our path further on pre decided?
Is our life pre written or we can write it down?
I think I have to make a choice what I decide to believe and move on. Because even if our life is pre written, our choices are also dictated by that scenario, so no point thinking too much, right?

Emotional Superpower

If happiness is the one state in which all our goodness is unleashed inside us and outside to the world, then our emotional superpower is the driving force within us that helps us dust away all negativity. But if it is not pumped enough (which, I quite believe, is a matter of habit), negativity manages to penetrate and overwhelm us. Mastering the correct application of this force is my target and my biggest wish for self-improvement. And the control should be only in my own hands.
Superpower: turning on now!

Our Brain Perceptions: "Here and Now" VS "Past and Future"

Have you ever imagined that you could look at a brain stroke positively?
Take 20 minutes of your time and hear this fascinating story.
For me it was one more incredible lesson leading to a better self-realization and possibly bigger control on experiencing happiness at any point of time.

Self Discipline as the Core of Happiness

Self discipline was what made my 41,1 weeks of pregnancy a lovely, precious, enjoyable time. For the first 1-2 days after I understood I am pregnant I was in a bit of an emotional turmoil: am I ready to be a good mom, how will I go through giving birth, am I doing something that could hurt the baby inside?

Then I took a deep breath and I thought: Let me make the best of it.

From that moment on, this tiny creature inside, with a beating heart two times faster than mine and size about 1cm, became my internal emotional controller. I could no longer allow myself to get carried away by bad emotions because I thought it would somehow affect badly my little corn flake. I definitely experienced anger, fear, irritation, sadness and many other things, but I was able to quickly get out of it and feel the happiness inside.

These were blissful 9 months, with deep breaths, wide smiles, good quality sleep, relaxing yoga 2-3 times a week and a rapidly growing kicking belly. I was able to take anything lightly because my emotional controller had to be kept pure and free of negativity. It was my biggest goal and I did very well. This explains 9 months of virtually NO headache. As a comparison, usually I get 3 - 4 pretty bad headaches per month, which are usually due to me being overwhelmed by something negative. The truth is that for those 9 months I created a habit. I believed I could stay happy and the more I was happy, the easier it was to return to this state whenever I experienced a negative emotional distraction. I could safely say that these 9 months are the time I am most proud of myself; of my ability to pursue my happiness every minute. Unfortunately, believe it or not, once my emotional controller was out, I started falling into negative gaps again.

So the question after all this is: why do I have to have an emotional controller in the face of a baby when my mind should be able to do the same job? If I can be so happy to protect another creature, why can I not do it to protect myself and my own health? I have to apply self discipline to keep myself happy for my own good and then I am sure it will be again spread to others as well.

Define your Beliefs

My beliefs are one major and often unclear part of my life. I have not defined for myself what do I want to believe and what not. A simple example: my son Robin is 10 months old and he has a very very long hair. It has been the first thing everybody is commenting on since he was born and we all find it cute. It is his trademark, so to say. However, as cute as it is, it is making him sweat a lot, especially when he is breasfteeding and sleeping. I very well know that overheating is a very dangerous thing for babies, but at the same time I can't fight the superstition which I have heard from many people in Bulgaria: Do not cut your child's hair until they are one year old; if you do, you cut their luck off. So many people eagerly wait for this 1st birthday, because they feel they are doing something bad to their child otherwise.
Here is the thing: I do not have anything against people with superstitions, because they at least have decided they stick to them. Me - I don't know which one I believe in. I always tend to get convinced by the people around me. So my decisions vary according to who is near me in any moment.
This is something that makes me thoughtful and ultimately unhappy. So I am on my way on finding what I believe and sticking to it. This is what I call driving your own car in the direction you want. And most importantly - there should be no regrets about the chosen way.